In This Video:
Relationship conflict can be a major source of stress in our lives. It should come as no surprise then that tension with a significant other can lead to health challenges, including hormone imbalance. In this video, Robin talks with Orna and Matthew Walters of Love On Purpose about the biggest relationship mistakes women make and how to overcome them. Learn how beliefs formed in childhood, along with our health, can distort our self image and affect how we show up for others.
Questions I Answer
- How can I attract the right partner?
- What are the biggest mistakes women make in relationships?
- Why do some people find lasting love more easily than others?
- Take Robin’s Hormone Quiz.
- Join the Natural Solutions for Hormone Balance Sisterhood Facebook group.
Resources & Links
- Love On Purpose
- Practice Self-Love for Better Relationships
- Balance Your Hormones by Removing Toxicity
* This transcript was generated using AI. It may contain typos, misspellings, or grammar mistakes.
Hello, everyone, I'm so excited to be here with you. This is hormone breakthrough Wednesday, one of my favorite days of the week. And I'm so honored and excited to share with you two of my very favorite people. In fact, my very favorite couple, and I'm going to introduce them to you before I bring them on. I actually met them, I actually, they came into my sphere of influence back in 2011, because I was having relationship problems. So my husband and I had been married a long time by 2011. But we were we had hit a real rocky place. And I didn't know if we were going to survive. So I was, you know, looking around, and somehow, you know, when you kind of set your intention for what you need, the universe says, Here it is. And they brought me the love on purpose revolution, which really, like I'm gonna get, I'm gonna cry, which really changed my life. Totally. And every speaker was amazing. And their whole, like how they did the whole summit was incredible. They did a lot of them after that, but that may have been one of their first or their second. And, and then I ended up, you know, connecting with them personally and modeling after their production. And we did the sexy, younger use summits, but they're, they're kind of way of looking at relationships and love and and really like how we show up in our relationships just changed my life. And so you may be wondering, what the heck does this have to do with hormone balance? Well, in the 15 day hormone reset program that we just finished, that was incredible. We had a day on relationships. And what we know about relationships is if they are not strong, right, they can take us out, because they can be very toxic, they can be very stressful. And that adds, that's that's what I call a hormone deal breaker, or a root cause for why your hormones may be all out of whack. And I have to say, I think that was the most popular day for the 15 day hormone reset was about relationships. And there were some pretty incredible things that came from that. So I want to tell you a little bit about my guests today are Anna and Matthew Walters, our soulmate coaches for spiritual, successful single women who have everything except the man of their dreams. They're also the founders of a love and purpose revolution, a global online event dedicated to busting the myth that love is supposed to happen by accident. Both Oren and Matthew struggled with love relationships for the majority of their adult lives, individually mastered self love, allowing them to come together to form a true soul partnership, or an Matthew work with clients all over the globe, utilizing the tools of transformation. They are dedicated to spreading the message that having love is an inside job. And then it's never too late to find the love of your life. So welcome, Oren. And Matthew, it's so great to have you here.
Thank you. What a great introduction. So much. It's so sweet.
So sweet. Thank you, Robin, thank you so much. And it's Wow, you took me back. And I got a little teary to that 2011 actually was our first love on purpose revolution event, which we did every year for five years, if you can believe it. So it took us a full half year, six months to facilitate that event. And it connected us with so many wonderful people you included, and I know you're sexy, younger year was a huge, huge success. And it was so fun to mentor you in that sort of model that's kind of, you know, gone by the wayside, which is fine. You know, we always have to evolve and grow. And it kind of made me laugh, like, what does this have to do with hormones, because I remember when I was having like serious meltdowns and then suddenly going to the doctor, and when everything got balanced out and looked at balance, I was like, I'm sorry.
Yeah, I mean, that's the other aspect of it, right? That you can't show it fully because you're feeling terrible. You know, you're, it's the old FLC you feel like crap. So how can you show up in your relationship? You know, that's the other side of it. But, you know, just Yeah, learning the tools and and then, you know, we're talking today about, you know, finding how do we find that love?
Yeah, absolutely. Because, you know, most people believe, you know, even our languaging around Love is like, Oh, I slipped on a banana peel and I fell in love. You know, it's like this accident.
Well, you bring up a really, really good point, you know, the 15 day hormone reset just came Often, so I'm gonna refer back to it a little bit here. But we had a day on pleasure. So our very last day was on pleasure. And who would have thought that you had to plan out? Pleasure, like you replace your, like, we think that pleasure is just going to happen, right? Oh, I'm just gonna, like today is just going to be full of pleasure. But it's not unless you plan it. And that's exactly what you're going to talk about today around love and how it's so important, you know, to take the steps to find, you know, the love of your dreams.
Exactly. You know, the thing about falling in love, right? And having it be this magical, accidental thing that just happens when you least expect it. Right? Which is the way we all talk about it, right? Just stop looking. It'll show up. Right? And it's like, if you said that about your work, right? Stop, stop trying to fix your hormones, they'll just fix themselves, right? We will all get you like you're crazy. But yet we think love works that way. And what our biggest message is that love works like anything else you want to achieve. health, fitness, right? Career or anything else that you're looking to put energy and effort into making better in your life. Love and relationships works the same way. Because the truth is, if you fall in love, it's just as easy to fall out of love. And that makes your relationship falling apart an accident and not anybody's responsibility as well.
I love that because I I had a choice, right? Like I could either, like figure it out. Or I could say To hell with this. I'm moving on. Right which is what many people do. And and I said, I mean, obviously so I call Eric You guys know Eric so well. I call him my hot sexy lover. So So when he calls me or text me hot sexy lover comes up on the phone, I think maybe from one of your speakers or something I don't remember. Like I am so doing that. Actually, that's
that's funny because I love the word lover and it's so not used anymore. Do you know like in other languages and other countries love her is used a lot. And it's so funny how we're we're kind of proved here the United States and people don't use a lever like I love referring to Matthews my lover?
Yeah, well, it's kind of racy. Like when I share that I'm not sure if I'm offending anybody or not. But I'm like, right. It's really fun. But But I think that like both have to want it. And Eric really wanted to keep our relationship and I really wanted it. I knew the grass wasn't going to be greener somewhere else. Right? I knew it was going to take work, right? Just like this current relationship. But I knew that work in that relationship, I didn't know what the work would be in another relationship. So before we get off into all of this, I want you guys to share your story because you said that you both struggled with relationship before you guys met or before you figured out your stuff. So tell us how this happened.
Well, we didn't get together till after 40. I mean, I was very successful in my career in the entertainment industry. I worked in the film industry for over three decades. And I I remember so many things that happen that really, in my own personal growth that got me thinking about what do I really want in life, because the career stuff, actually the thing that most people sort of struggle with that stuff happen easily for me, however, my my intimate relationships, right, but that sort of thing was really lacking. I grew up in a home with a lot of abuse, quite frankly, you know, both my parents are very toxic people. And I didn't wasn't modeled a healthy love relationship. And in my 20s, after I had graduated from UCLA, and I was like, say, graduated with honors, not, you know, just as a little wink to say, Hey, I know I'm smart. Like, it's not about being smart, or whatever, because this could happen to anybody. I ended up in a relationship with a guy that you know, really thought was going to be the guy and on New Year's Eve of 1994. He beat me and that was a huge wake up call. And for so long. It's like, you know, those physical wounds heal rather quickly. But in my head, I was like, how did that happen? Like, how did I choose somebody who would harm me when the last thing I wanted was to be with somebody who would physically hurt me in that way. And I knew that my journey was an internal journey because he was like lit up for me. You know, like, I like bees to honey at the beginning of that relationship. And so I knew I needed to say change something inside of me to make Mr. Safe here, Mr. hot, sexy lovers Safe, safe, safe guy who would never harm me, you know, who escorts bugs out of our house, you know, to be like he wouldn't hurt anything. And so I knew I needed to change something to find this guy hot and sexy and attractive. And so I love working with Matthew because I have all this drama in my past. Matthews just sort of like this regular guys share a little bit about his
story. Yeah, you know, the thing is, it doesn't matter how dramatic or or non dramatic your circumstances aren't growing up, right, because I grew up in a Midwestern Catholic family, I, you know, five kids, my parents, you know, were together over 50 years before my mother passed, right? And yet, I struggled in love, too. I mean, I had I had a college friend who she labeled me the toxic bachelor, right? And I was like, I was like, Oh, I didn't even figure this out until much later when, you know, she was asking us about relationship stuff. And she goes, I can't believe I'm asking the guy used to call the toxic bachelor about relationships, right? And I was like, and I was sort of that classic, non committal guy I didn't, you know, I didn't know what I wanted. And I wasn't carved with myself and, and so many things going on. And it wasn't until I started looking at myself. And it started out with just realizing I wasn't happy I was in my early 30s. And I was getting things that I thought I wanted in my career, and yet, I wasn't very happy with my life. And I started going, well, what's going on here, and I started looking at myself, because I realized, I was the source of that happiness, right. And in making those changes, I began to realize a lot about what was going on in my family of origin and how that really wasn't a very functional, you know, way of expressing love or feeling love or being loved and, and I had a lot of, for lack of a better word self hatred about myself. And so I wasn't attracted to women who were attracted to me because that didn't fit my inner story. Right, my inner story said, There's something wrong with me. And so when a woman kind of rejected me a little bit, that was kind of a turnoff, because that felt right, that matched my inner frequency around love. And it wasn't until I changed that, and early on, on and I were dating and I can't remember, I think I made some sarcastic, self deaf or dumb, deprecating comment, right? And she looks at me and she goes, me nice to this guy, right? You're perfect for me exactly as you are, you don't need to change a thing. And I was like, huh, it was the first time I could hear that and receive it and argue with her. Right? Because the internal voice would say, Well, wait till you get to know me. You'll be you'll see, right? You're not gonna like me as it goes on.
Just Just wait.
Right? But part of that change for myself. And I want to say this for a lot of, you know, women out there who are struggling, wondering where are those guys? Right? When when they meet guys who are just looking for sex or they meet guys who are commitment phobic are they meet guys who are, you know, emotionally unavailable? Is that when a guy is ready for a relationship? Right when he is like, look, I actually do want a long term relationship. He behaves differently than that guy who's just looking for sex or intimacy or companionship.
Yeah, I mean, when I hear Matthew, tell that story about the toxic bachelor, and the non committal guy, like I'm like, Who is that? Like, I don't know that guy. I never met him. Because I never had to ask Matthew. You know, I never had to have the talk. I never had to ask him. where's this going? I mean, he showed me every step of the way. For the moment we first met. Exactly the key was pursuing me, right? And, and that is right, when a guy is ready for a relationship, right? Men are naturally hunters, and they go out looking for the right one that for them that they want to be with. And those guys who aren't ready, it doesn't matter what it's not about you, you can't make that guy ready. Just like you can't make anybody do anything. You can't make that guy ready. You can't love him enough. Or give him the best blow job that's gonna make him fall. Right? I tried that one, by the way. Like you just want to say like, you know, it's not like we talked about pleasure, right? I mean, is that connection? Sure, a guy is going to want that, you know, he's going to want a nice BJ or Saks or whatever. But that's not going to make him say, Wow, I want to spend my life with you. That's not really what it's about. I spent a lot of my majority of my 30s You know, mistaking sex for love and hoping that that was going to flip that switch and it just doesn't it just doesn't do it.
Yeah, yeah. Oh my gosh, you guys brought up so many great points and how special that you are able to earn it to just say yeah, that's, that's not you, like what are you talking about? Like, that's so awesome. And, and I can you just share for a moment you said that we can just you know, sort of be organic hair. What about so I know that you know, women who are struggling with their their hormones and their health and you know, they don't you know, we don't have very good self esteem oftentimes, right? We don't have a lot of confidence in ourselves because we just don't feel great. What and so I was queen of this. I was queen of lack of Self Care and resentment, right? Because I was doing everything by myself all the time. So I was, you know, trying to be really independent and not be needy, right. And I wore myself out and I was a terrible receiver. Right? Terrible, like, yeah, I didn't want to be in any pictures. If you gave me a compliment, I would, you know, I would say, you know, I wouldn't say thank you, I'd say, oh, yeah, well, I got this there. Or, you know, I was a terrible receiver. So if we're not a good receiver, is that something that we have to work on?
Absolutely, absolutely. You know, one of the things that a lot of women, especially now in today's modern world, where women and men are like, equal in the workplace, and, I mean, hey, we're all for that we're all for equality. And women can do any job. I mean, you know, but I mean, I'm the CEO of our business, you know, I like they can run the world, certainly, but in the dynamic of an intimate relationship, you know, it's really important that one person lead, and another person has the option to follow, you know, feminine somehow got mixed in with passive, which I think is kind of ridiculous. And like Robin, you know, me, I'm not really a passive person, I'm pretty, very a tech personality. And I think a lot of you, right, like a lot of times that sort of a tight driven personality can be up cover for insecurity, certainly, that I'm guilty of that for sure, when I was younger, but this thing about receiving is so important, because a man wants to be able to deliver something for you, a man who wants a relationship with you, really wants to be your hero. He wants to be that guy that, you know, you can count on, you know, I used to joke that I could do everything, I just needed a man with a Makita cordless drill. But I really, I really find that there's so much more that Matthew provides for me besides being the handyman around the house, you know, because when I'm able to really feel safe, and I think this is true for men and women, right, we hear all the time about the woman behind the man, the very successful man, right, the woman behind him, and you don't care enough about the man behind the woman, because that goes together, you complement each other, right? You have differing strengths, we hear all the time that opposites attract. And so this idea about receiving is if you're not receiving from a man, and you're treating him like your girlfriend, you end up in a reciprocal situation where a man does less and less and less and less and less. And I want Matthew to really expand on that.
Yeah. So we John Gray said it best. He said men have an efficiency G. Right? And what does that mean? It means we expend just as much energy as necessary to accomplish a task and no more. And if we see that somebody else is taking care of the thing, then we can relax and put our energy elsewhere. Right? But what is what what did two women do? I joke all the time with the Warner about the thank you cards for the thank you cards, right? It's like it's a real honor to use that word. It's reciprocal, right? You do something for a girlfriend. And there's an expectation that she will respond in kind. And oh,
my gosh, I kept track all the time. Here, all my points over here, you don't have any.
Exactly. So we say to women stop doing so much.
And then when he steps up and does something, this is so key, acknowledge and appreciate what he's doing, acknowledge and appreciate his effort and acknowledge and appreciate his the work he's doing, acknowledge and appreciate him, and he will do more. Because that's the fuel that a man runs on in a relationship. He wants to know that he is the guy that's making you happy. He wants to know that he's the guy that's pleasing you. That's, and if he, if he feels that way, if he feels like he's the guy who can make you happy, he'll move mountains to do that. Right? But if he feels like he can never make you happy, he's gonna stop. He's gonna stop trying.
He's gonna actually move on, right? I mean, we see this a lot. I mean, I have a friend who actually just got his divorce papers finalized. He's waiting for the court to like, stamp them done. And he's one of my dearest friends. We've been friends since the 80s. And about a year or so ago, year and a half ago, after they separated, he was visiting us in LA and, you know, he was like, I couldn't do anything, right. He's like, she criticized how I did the yard work. And that was like, he just felt like he couldn't win. You know, it's like criticizing how we did the yard work like she would rather he did it in a different order. And he's like, who cares? As long as it gets done? You know, it's like, we get so critical and one of the things we talk about a lot at creating love on purpose is don't date backwards. Right? So many people take backwards they need somebody they add all that Homina Homina hum all the good juicy, yummy feelings. And they give a stranger the benefit of the doubt. And then over time, we end up in relationship with somebody and we stop giving our partners the benefit of the doubt, which is the worst thing you can do in relationship because that stranger you just met, that person hasn't earned anything from you don't give a stranger the benefit of the doubt. But the guy you're married to, or you've been in relationship for a few years, or, you know, whatever, it's like, that nephew has earned the benefit of the doubt with me, I have to give him the benefit of the doubt, because we've been through so much together. So instead of thinking that he's out to get me and he's looking to, like, create a friction between us, he's actually not he's looking for us to cohabitate peacefully together, right? And so a lot of times what we do in, in our relationship when we're in relationship is we shy away from the conflict, because we've told these ridiculous other myths, right? We're like, Mythbusters, in relationship, right? The accident thing is the biggest one. But there's a huge myth, right of this idea, like, don't pick your battles, and I think pick your battles. Oh, pick your battles. Because that's what I was trying to say right now, if you caught me saying it backwards. So we hear all the time to pick your battles, right? Like if you're upset about something, and you can let it slide, let it slide, Don't make a mountain out of a molehill. Don't bring it up, if it's not a big deal. And an intimate relationship, those things add up over time. So you have a few things that you know, on a scale of one to 10 are like threes and fours that you brush off, and then there's one little thing happens and you explode like a volcano. And the guy's like, what the hell just happened? Like this was this tiny little thing. So Matthew and I talked about like cleaning as you go, right? You want to clean as you go. Like, I can talk to Matthew about anything. And ladies, the key to that is you don't talk to your man about everything. So in other words, you can talk about anything, but you don't have to have that end of the day, let me debrief you on my day thing, like oh my gosh, that sends a man into overwhelm. Right? I mean, this thing about talking every little thing out and processing and talking and talking. I mean, I Nathie his eyes would glaze over. He'd be like, Oh, my God, there's so many things wrong, right? I don't know where to begin. I'm in overwhelm. What do I do? How do I fix it? What? How do I fix it? That's where your girlfriend right? That's what you call your girlfriend? Yes, that's exactly right. That's when I call my girlfriend and I give her the play by play. I mean, I think about just even the way men or women communicate differently. We're painting certainly with large brushstrokes right now. But I mean, you know, when a woman is with a guy for the first time, she'll say to her girlfriends, every little play by play, you know, he touched me here. He did this. I said this, he said that, blah, blah, blah. I mean, guys together, like did you get some music? Yup.
Yeah. What do you want to treat? Yeah, you don't want to treat your man like a girlfriend, he's not gonna behave, he's gonna really surprise you're gonna be disappointed if you expect him to be like your girlfriend. Yeah, you know, a lot of women that we talk to, especially women that are a type personalities like me, and those go getters. They think they want a guy that's just like them, but with a penis. And I'm like, That's so unrealistic, right? There's so much more when you are with somebody, right? Those opposites attract things serve a purpose. Well, and
we can talk about hormones here. You know, it's, it's the hormones that drive everything. So if you've got more of the female hormones, then we were wired to be receivers. If you've got more than male hormones, you were wired to be more of a giver, right? So we really have to honor that. Even though like myself. I tried really hard not to I like got me in a lot of trouble, right?
Yes. And I would like to, you know, I'd like to take that analogy and put it into another visual because I'm really I'm a visual learner. So for people who are like, well, I don't know, like that receiving thing. Like I would love to encourage anybody who's listening to us right now, all you ladies, that if you're offered assistance to just say yes, even if you can do it yourself, just say yes. And what I the visual I want to give you is this to ballroom dancers on the dance floor. Right? If they're both trying to lead, you have a dance, new, you're in a power struggle, right? And if they're both trying to follow, do you have a dance? No. And so we're really wired right in this way, biologically, right with our hormones and our anatomy, and everything else, that one person should be leading and the other person has the option to follow. And I always like to say an option to follow because a lot of times women feel like they're disempowered, but you have veto choice. Like if you really understand that you're the queen, and that I'm gonna I'm gonna say it like this as I think you know, we said we could just be wide open I'm here, but I like to say it like this, the person with the pussy has the power, like really the person with the buzzy have the power? Because you have the power to say, yes, we'll proceed in the direction in which you propose, or no, I'm going to be to that I'm going to veto that choice. So you don't have to follow. And you don't have to receive from a particular guy if he's not your guy. But if your guy is trying to give you something, it's just as easy to redirect, like we hear all the time from women who are dating about a man who's trying to show off, and he just doesn't know how, like men. Talk about little bit about why men want to show up.
You know, that's men want to impress you. Right? And, and oftentimes, they don't know what impresses you. They know what impressed the last one. And so they're probably going to use that strategy. You know, most men are pretty easy to ask, they're not, you know, God forbid, we ask, we're just gonna make an assumption, not asking for direction. So many times, we're coaching a client, and they're on a first or second date with the guy and they say, all he did was talk about himself, he never asked about me. And we go, Well, that's because he's trying to impress, you know, what you can say to him is, hey, you know, what really makes me feel good, is when somebody is curious about me and asked me questions, right? Instead of saying, hey, why don't you just keep talking about yourself? Aren't you interested in me? Right? That's not helpful. Right? So it's about understanding what's going on. We had another client who, you know, when they after dinner, he made a point of letting her see his fancy sports car at the valet. Right? Because he's like, look at what a great provider I am. Look at what a great guy and we get all the money I have. However, he was thinking about it. Her thought was, oh, I can't believe you're showing me your sports car. Right? But our feeling was, hey, that guy's attracted to you. If he wasn't attracted to you, he wouldn't care about showing you his sports car. Review on, but, you know, he's doing his best. He may not be your guy, but at least he's trying and that's what we want you to Oh,
that's so special. I mean, you don't We don't think about it that way. You know, he's, he wouldn't show you his sports car unless he really was interested in you. We just
were his pictures are in front of his cars boat or is holding the big
sign. All the time. That's so funny. Yeah. He's literally
like saying, I'm a good provider. I'm a good provider, just like a peacock is spreading his feathers out to say, Look at me, look at me. I'm like, Look what I can do for you, blah, blah. And it's like, he really wants to do it for you. So that's the thing. If you're not impressed with the sports car, that's okay. You can still acknowledge and appreciate wow, I really like your fancy sports car. But you know what, I didn't know anything about cars. Right? Exactly. Why did they didn't at least acknowledge that he's showing you something and be like, Wow, and maybe even he could try and you know, explain to you Well, this cars special because blah, blah, blah, and you're like, oh, okay, you know, what I'm really into is like, you know, whatever, you know, art or whatever. And you might find that he's really into art also. You know, I always say like my boyfriend's before Matthew, I came I gave you the beginning of this journey, this really dramatic thing. But I had a long journey, right? That event happened when I was 27 years old. Now the and I didn't get together software for so my boyfriend's before Matthew were good men. They just weren't my guy for one reason or another. I mean, I dated a professional baseball player who I was sitting with my girlfriend and they ended up who majored in like art history in college. And then they're talking about art, like so over my head, and then they start talking about art in French. And then when we left that was a brunch actually, my friend looked at me and said, I knew he wasn't going to be a dumb jock because I know you but I never in a million years thought I would be discussing art at that level with an athlete much less discussing art in French. So cool. I was just sitting there going, Oh, what's going on? I don't know whatever. So you know, the thing is is a guy is gonna want to be impressing you right? He may not know how to impress you like Matthew said so the guy wanted to say guy you want to be careful of is the guy that you know the the mistake that women make. And we're going to be sharing actually something gift for you that we call the seven major mistakes single women make that block them from true love and how to avoid them. One of the biggest mistakes we're touching on so I can't I want to get it out there because one of the biggest mistakes that women make is they are they make it way too easy and convenient because they want to be easygoing. Right we hear all the time just be easygoing. Well, we want to tell you something. There was a New York Times bestseller book titled Why men loved it. And
can you say that again? Why man Love, bitches. Oh bitches. Okay, why men love bitches. Yeah.
Yeah, like I want to say this Matthew and I don't believe a woman who knows what she wants and asks for it is a bitch per se, right? That's not a bitch. But you know, what is the book title was called? Why men love women who know what they want and tell them, right, that would have probably wouldn't have been a best seller. Right? So it's a catchy title with that word in there. But the thing is, is if, if you're just with Mr. Convenient guy, who's not really doing much to drive the relationship forward, you are going to find yourself at that place where I never saw myself with NASA, right having to have that talk, or where's this going? Right, right? Like it Oh, she wants to ever have that talk, right? You want the guy who's showing you every step of the way that he's already decided you're the one for him. And you can avoid Mr. Convenient guide, if you just speak up. Right? If you find the words to say, Wow, that's a really cool sports car. I don't know much about cars, though. He's gonna stop trying to impress you with a sports car, right? Or, you know, if a guy is like, you know, wants to say, oh, you know, takes you to a fancy steakhouse, right? And you're like, you know, I'm not really much of a meat eater. You know, I'm looking, I'm now finding myself looking for the veggie bladder. Do you know what I mean? Like, he's gonna, if he's trying to impress you, wow, that's worth, like, make the adjustment to make the adjustment. It's worth money in the bank. Like go?
Yeah, awesome. Okay, so we want to we want to get some, some some of these very, very hot questions answered. So and, and I, I just loved something that you shared. So I want to come back to that. But first, I want to ask you, why do some people find love easily, and some people struggle to have lasting love?
So we wish this was like a super short answer, but it's got a little bit of explanation to it. So it comes from the understanding of that we have a subconscious program running in our mind about love. Right, and the subconscious program is created in our family of origin. Oh,
what I wanted to talk about is a love imprint. Yeah.
Yeah. So the dynamic we have comes from our family of origin, it comes from how our parents, that it comes from the difference between how we want to be loved, and how our parents are capable of loving us, right? And what that little child does is that child makes a decision, right? And that child says, What's wrong with me that my parent is behaving this way? What's wrong with me that my dad can't give me the love, I want? What's wrong with me that my mom is critical of me, unless I do certain things like this, right? We take on full responsibility, and we take on a belief system about ourselves. And that belief system becomes this program that then attracts other people to us, right? Because the subconscious loves, loves to say this is like that. Right? Because what is familiar and what is known to us will keep us alive. What is unfamiliar, and what is unknown to us will probably kill us. It's how we're wired. Right? As human beings. It's how we survived living in caves. It's how we survived, you know, everything throughout the years, right. But our world is not like that anymore. We don't have saber toothed Tigers running around, we don't have danger in front of us. Yet our subconscious mind still says this is known unfamiliar, therefore safe, this is unknown and unfamiliar and therefore unsafe. And so like Orna, right, she grew up in that family with all that chaos. And the and then she meets this guy who has that chaos inside of him. In something in our subconscious says, this is familiar, this is familiar, this is familiar, right? And we, we confuse that signal familiarity with a signal of excitement, or a signal, signal of attraction. Right. And that's sort of where the basis of really a lot of the work we do is helping people understand this idea, helping people discover what their core wound from a child from childhood is. And then helping them transform that so that they can show up differently and find a different kind of guy attractive.
Yeah, I mean, we are really, we're wired for survival. We're not wired to thrive. And let's face it in this world today, women don't need a man to survive. But nobody would say a person is thriving in life without this intimate relationship figured out, right? And there's studies actually done on success. If you want success in every area of your life, you've got to start with your love relationship. Right? Because two people together that complement each other can accomplish so much more in the world. We're designed to be in partnership. And so when you understand it's not like, oh, there's something wrong with you. It's just that somewhere along the way, you made a decision about what's possible for you. And you were so little when you made that decision that it doesn't feel like a decision anymore. It just becomes this limiting belief system that's running this program. And we call this program your love imprints, which is what you know, Robin, because she knows our work it's sort of alluded to. So when you think about your love imprint is like your GPS, for love, it's the setting on your love signal. And if it's off, just like on a real GPS, if you plug in the wrong address, you can either end up a few blocks from your destination, or you can end up 100,000 miles away from your destination still, you're not anywhere near where you want to go. And what happens is, especially when you're a smart, is you keep going well something must be wrong, either with me or the world. Or maybe love isn't meant to be for me, that's another one of those phrases we hate. Yeah, there's no greater some entity out there micromanaging your life. So like some master puppeteer, pulling your strings, to say love is for you and not for you. For a long time I spent my adult life thinking love was not for me, you know, but I really wanted it. And so what we tell people is if you have the desire for a great soul satisfying long lasting love, if all you need is the desire to create the changes around your love imprint, so that you take the guy who's highlighted for you right now who's not a good match, who pushes all those buttons where you get triggered, and have all this conflict. And if you make those changes, he gets sort of downgraded from being like a star a co star in your your personal movie, right? We downgrade that kind of guy to like, you know, being an extra in your life. And then we upgrade the guys who are an ideal match for you. Because an ideal match is somebody where you still have all that chemistry where you're like, oh, that's how I'm gonna Hone hone all that good stuff, right? Because we need that. That's an essential ingredient. I wonder how many ladies are listening that have tried to eliminate the Homina Homina hummock and the chemistry factor, right. And what you end up with is somebody that you like, they're like a friend, but ultimately, it doesn't get you through because you can't settle for a lifetime with somebody because life is gonna throw you curveballs. So if you want to be with somebody that you know, you can count on assures, you know the sun will rise tomorrow, this is the place to begin with you. What are your woundings from childhood? That is still the rudder on your boat when it comes to finding a particular kind of guy attractive.
Yeah, it was so funny when Eric and I were talking about you know what our love imprints were? I was like, No wonder no wonder we're where we are, right?
It's like how you get triggered in relationship, right? How you get triggered in your intimate relationships. It's about you. It's not about your partner. Right. And when you realize that we always say it's the funhouse mirror, right or? Me, right? When I realized that what I see going on over here, and the judgments I have about it, and the frustrations I have about it are really inside of me and have nothing to do with this person. Yeah, right. Then everything changes,
Todd totally. Like it all changed. They all changes. And I remember as somebody that I was, I was, I was interviewing, guys, I'm trying to remember who said this, and I'm sure you guys totally know this. But it's what you love about someone you know, when you first meet them or marry them or whatever, that you end up. Hating about them later. Oh, was Matthew Wintersday Engelhart. Right. So So you know, I married Eric and he was, I loved him because he was so easy going and knew a lot about a lot of things. And, you know, it was just, you know, there for me. And then I hated him because, you know, he didn't get shit done like I thought needed to happen. Right? He's like, just chill easygoing. Right. And so it was so funny. And then one of the girls, I was interviewing for one of my summits, she married a comedian. Right? And like, and she was very serious, you know, doctor, right. And she married. Obviously, it was really awesome when she first met him. But then of course, being married to a comedian has other challenges. So I just think it's really interesting. And you said somebody way earlier on, but I think we have to remember who the person is, you know, and why you marry them in the first place, or why you fell in love with them, and they're still that same person, right? They're still that same person. And it's just, you know, whatever's going on in your head that that causes you to see them a little differently and in an unfavorable way.
Well, it's a natural stage of relationship. Right? When we first meet somebody, we're talking about hormones, right? It's a chemical high. Right? And when we have that attraction, literally we are high on on drugs or high On on those chemicals,
and those drugs will naturally wear off, you can't live like that 24/7 You can't live with all those chemicals all the time, you're not going to be high for the rest of your life on it. Right? Chemicals wear off. And in that there's a natural hangover that happens in intimate relationships, right? And it's called the power struggle. And you've just described it perfectly right? The power struggle says, initially, Wow, you're so different from me, that's so exciting. Wow, you're so different from me. If only you were more like me, we would get along better with each other, and start fighting for this, which is what you and Eric did. Right? We started fighting each other, when you fall for the relationship.
Yes, fighting for the learning how to fight for the relationship is a skill, right? So you ladies listening out there, you know, what's harder about the older you are, is you're more sensitive in your ways that you are. And so when the power struggle comes, it's sort of like, I know how to do these things. I've done this a lot in my lifetime. So if we just did it my way, let's get along a whole lot better, right. And it's this thing of like, Wait, there's no space for that other person. Because if you're right, they're wrong. Or vice versa, who wants to be wrong, nobody wants to be wrong. Everybody can't be quote, unquote, right. And we don't live in this black and white. But this big prefrontal cortex is binary, it wants one person to be right and the other person to be wrong. And that's not the way we live with another person, because we live in the gray over time, right. And so what we really want people to understand is there's a skill to moving through that power struggle stage, so that you get to that third stage, but there's actually five stages of relationship. And most people just lather rinse, repeat those first two, I mean, if you've have children, you've watched that teenage years about individuation, it's a natural progression of a child growing up. Well, same with a relationship, that power struggle stage is a natural progression, where the two people merge in the romance stage, but then individually through the power struggle. And so it's about understanding that complementary strengths right? Now, he was not like me, as a matter of fact, we're very different people. Now we have the same values, right? This is where people get screwed up, because you go on to an online website, and to date somebody, and they're matching you up with somebody who has the same hobbies, as you who cares, right? What makes love last isn't that you like the same hobbies, that you both like to golf, or listen to the same music or whatever, whatever. I mean, sure, it makes going out and doing things together more easy to find those things to do. But trust me, we know couples that have been married for decades, that don't have the same hobbies, right? That's not the thing that holds that holds you together. What holds people together all through our society is having common goals. And the way that you create having common goals and select an ideal partner is really getting to know somebody before you commit, so you can discover what they value.
Yeah, I love that. Yeah, I love I mean, and that was one thing that Eric and I did is we're like, Okay, do we still have the same values? You know, I still want the same thing. So, relationship, so we had to had to just, like start all over, and I want to throw something else in there, like, so you guys had had a lot of practice, right? And then you guys tried to figure out your own relationship stuff before you met. And, and and John Gray might say this, I don't remember. Maybe this is where I got it. But no, I got it from Dr. Mark Hyman. But I know he would say yes to this. As men get older, they actually become more like women. And as women get older, they become more like men. And that has to do with the balance of estrogen to testosterone in the body. And one of the things that changes is that, you know, when you're younger and you're in relationship, you have a lot more women have a lot more estrogen. So so so we're, we're more accommodating if we're not present to the relationship, right, and what our needs are. And as we get older, we're less accommodating. We don't have as much of the nurturing hormone. So we're like, hell no. Like this is gonna be on my terms, right or more on my turn, like we're more willing to stand up for ourselves if we'll allow it. So I just kind of wanted to throw that out there because it does make a big difference when you're first starting out in a relationship. And if, if you were younger, and could understand that, that you that estrogen is a driving force for nourish, we're nurturing. And we want to take care of others and we want to be there and we want to say yes, and that could be our adult Don't fall if we don't stand in our power and you know, ask for what we want and be better receivers. And you know, so I just want to, like, throw that out there. Do you guys see that? Yeah. Oh, yeah, I
mean, we've had, I don't know how many clients, we can tell you we've had who these women are in their 40s or early 50s. And they get on the phone and they say, Well, I'm divorced, right? You know, when I was much younger, I went along with whatever my husband wanted. And then, you know, I realized it wasn't making me happy. And I started asking for what I wanted. And he's like, you changed? You're not the woman I married? And they break up. Right?
I can't can't do that.
It seems like a lot of it has to do with communication, and how we communicate our needs and how we ask for what we want. Right? If if we're not capable of really using I baseline, which and saying, Well, I feel this and I want this, and I need this. And, and you know, all of that, instead of saying, Well, you're not you and you and you should and all right.
I was yeah, it was?
Always. Exactly, exactly. So if we can take responsibility for it, you can actually navigate through that shift. Once again, you and Eric are a great example of that you navigated through that shift, because you realize, you still have the same values, you still wanted the same things. But you were both changing, right? And that dynamic was changing. And you we say it this way? Well, as I said earlier, right? You can, you should be able to talk about anything in your relationships. You don't need to talk about everything, but you should be able to talk about anything. And when you can communicate. And you can communicate in a way that allows your partner to hear and doesn't trigger defensiveness all the time. Right, then you can navigate this stuff, but we say it. Even when you're younger, start asking, ask for what you want. Can you make find that your man is more than willing to give it to
you? Yeah, because I think there's a miss another misnomer. Another myth that love equals sacrifice, right? I mean, look all the way back to like Romeo and Juliet, right? They're young. It's like, oh, my gosh, I can't live without you. They both end up dead. It's not something to aspire to do you know what I'm saying? Like, that's not the way to do it. And so love does not equal sacrifice. Like actually, as women, I think it's really important that we learn to serve ourselves first and also have communication around. I mean, I know for me, I tend to be the one that automat, it's my thing that I will go into sacrifice, and I have to catch myself. And I've gotten much, much better. And all the years I've been married with varied amounts of working with Matthew day after day after day, you know, we always joke that it's like we're married and dog years, because you know, we work together every day. So, like we've been married 70 years now. But I remember one day, I mean, it was a couple years ago already, like we left our office. And on the way back home. You know, Matthew said something about, you know, let's Oh, we had a really long workday, let's just go out to eat. And he was like, anywhere you want to go. So like on the drive home, which is literally like a three minute drive. Because, you know, we live in LA, so we drive it to the office, and we're coming home. And he's like, anywhere you want to go. And so you know, we come home and I you know, I have like my little ritual like putting work aside and stepping into like Borna like, not like coach or no, you know, like, I take off that hat and change clothes and do my little rituals of the end of the work day. So because otherwise Trust me, I would work all day, I learned from my husband, that phrase, the end of the day, I never had heard that before I get to work all the time. So he's like, Orna, it's the
end of the day. Don't worry,
we'll say oh, we're gonna finish this task. And then at the end of the day, and I used to be like that ended. Like, I know, you're saying words that they don't compute what? So you know, here's the thing where he says anywhere, you know, let's go out to eat, we make that decision. He says I can pick the place. And by the time I come out of the bathroom at home first getting ready to leave the house. He's like, Well, you know, he's like, why don't we go? Why don't we just walk up the street, you know, and go to this place. And so we leave, we leave our place. You know, we start walking, we get about a block and a half away from home. And I look at him, I'm like, wait a second. How can you just pick where we're going to eat? Didn't you say that it was my I get to pick where we're literally Matthew before I can even finish that sentence has now turned around and started a walk back to get the car to fight and asking me where do you want to go? You know what I mean? Like, it's this natural thing where, look, I'm the one that's responsible to say, Wait, I'm supposed to pick instead of just going oh, well, we'll just walk up the street because he wanted to do something like this guy. He naturally finds the Easy Door. He really does. I naturally make things complicated. And so even when we're with our team and our business, you know, I'll be like, Oh, we can do this and the thing and the thing and Matthew's eyes start glazing over. I'm like, Okay, now I'm going to shut up and let Matthew say how we're going to do it and the easy
I know how that goes. Yeah, Eric and I have no So he's like, Oh,
I'm here to just walk up the streets. We don't have to look for parking. But like he's sold me on going to this restaurant. But when I realized, like, Wait, it was supposed to be my choice. And he's like, where do you want to go? And I was like, I want to try that new barbecue place down in Venice. And he was like, oh, okay, great. Like, it wasn't a big deal. But like, if I didn't catch it, I would I would have to own that resentment. Yeah. Yeah. Well,
I mean, just say, Okay, we're going right, love it.
I'm just glad to remember the block and a half from the house instead of already sitting there eating stuff. Yeah, I took it up there when I was like, I got better at it. And that's what I want women to understand. I want every woman listening to me Look, your natural place of being accommodating. We're not saying to turn into some raising. Bitch, I already use the word right. We're not saying that. But what we're saying is is like if you're like a considerate person, and your natural disposition is to be accommodating, you're not going to go 180 degrees from that. But what you are going to find out is what you really want. Because what we find out when we get on the phone to talk to somebody for the first time is really clear on what they don't want, right? We do this all the time. Like, can you imagine somebody? Like, can you imagine a friend calling you one day and they're like, hey, the worst day I quit my job. And you're like, what? And they're like, Well, I nobody ever said this, by the way. I went and I asked for a raise, and I didn't get it. So I quit. Now I'm looking for a job where I never have to ask for a raise. Like you would think that friend is literally certifiable should belong in the cuckoo house, right? And then that house like nobody ever does that because we're taught in career. And in all these other parts of our life, we're supposed to be purposeful and set intentions about what we want. Well, you know what relationship works the same way. So if you didn't get what you wanted, and the last one and the last guy was a cheater, let's say your whole focus is I don't want a cheater I don't want a cheater I don't want a cheater and all your subconscious mind is doing is highlighting cheater, cheater, cheater, cheater, cheater, right? Like I can't be around cigarette smoke i as Matic I'm highly allergic to cigarette smoke. I could be in an airplane hangar with several 1000 people. And if somebody lights up a cigarette on the other end of the airplane hanger on though, like my throat does this little tickle like I just know, they're cigarette smoke nearby. And when I was online dating, oh my gosh, I tried every which way to end up with a non smoker. And every guy was smoker, smoker smoker. I remember back in the day when you could sit in a bar and smoke in California. It's like, I remember going out this guy and he starts lighting up, like bumming a cigarette up. And I was like, Wait, I thought you don't smoke. Oh, I only smoke when I drink. I'm like, you know, it happened over and over.
So okay, so what's the trick? Like, how do you not attract that person?
Instead of focusing on what you do not want, you have to get crystal clear focus on what you really do want. Not in a specific human. This is the mistake people make. Right? They like make their list right now, if you want to talk about this.
Yeah, well, everybody heard of the list. Everybody creates this list that's like, you know, let me let me get the proverbial menu of men, right? It's got to be this tall. And it's color hair and this kind of job. And he likes this. And he doesn't like that. Right? Like we can order off a menu, but it doesn't work that way. Right? And sorry. Yeah, exactly. Does it men men doesn't work the other way men can't do that. It doesn't work that way. It's it's about getting clear on what's important to you what you value, right? You talked about you and Eric, you guys value the same things, right. And so using oranges example of the cheater say you've you've experienced infidelity in the past, and you still have a lot of anger and hurt about what happens. That anger in that hurt that you're carrying around about the past is what's driving your behavior in the present. And that's not how we create or manifest anything. Because it just creates more opportunity to feel anger and hurt and resentment, instead of creating the love that you're looking for. So you have to
Yeah, and that's exactly what worries me about like just just getting a divorce. Right? It's, it's like, you've got to clean up your stuff. So whether you decide I mean, and again, both parties have to really want it in order for you to work on the marriage or the relationship. But whether you stay in it or not, you still have to clean up your stuff.
I mean, look, I put up this little meme on our Facebook page the other day that says something like if you're there's no supposed to be together if you were supposed to be you would be right you're not living inside West Side Story. Right if you're supposed to there's no supposed to be so it's like when you will Want to get clear on is the kind of relationship you want? So it's not about the human being, it's about the dynamic of what how do you want this person to be showing up? What's the vision of the relationship you're looking for. So just like we know, water isn't boiling, unless it's at 212, right, that's the boiling point. And just like an old fashioned camera, when you sit, dial it in to get it into focus, it's either in focus, or it's out of focus. So what you need is to create the vision in a sharp crystal clear focus of what it is you really do want, right? Not about a human being don't get attached to a human being. Because that's not it, you have zero control over another human being. When you create the vision of I want this kind of dynamic in my relationship, I want to wake up feeling like this, I want to go I mean that these things like so goofy, like sometimes you're like going to sleep and we have a whole ritual of you know, things we're grateful for the connection ritual, ask if we need something from one another right to clean up anything from the day we don't want to carry thing over anything over. I love that. Yeah. But to ritual before we go to sleep at night, and then sometimes before because the light switches on my side of the bed and said before I'll turn off the light, like sometimes, you know, we've done all of our stuff. And I haven't turned up the light yet. This killer opened his eyes, you're like, What are you doing? And I'm like, I'm just looking at you. I like to look at him. I mean, like he lights me up inside. And what I want to say is like, that's not by accident, like I want to the guy whose face I'd never tire up, right? Like I wanted that guy. Like literally I'll be when you know when we could go to the gym. You know, I'm there on the elliptical machine. And if Nancy walks by and my purview in the in the you know, in my view in the mirror, my heart skips a beat still, like it's automatic, because I love this guy. Like I love him with every fiber of my being. Yeah, it's not
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, the biggest erogenous zone in the body is between your ears. Right? It's how you're thinking about your partner that creates that attraction over time.
It's seven, seven.
That's a whole nother conversation. That's all I gotta say.
20 years. It's creating love on purpose every single day. Yeah. Okay, you guys. So of course, we want so much more. How can? How can these beautiful ladies find you to create their love on purpose, you have a special gift for them?
Yes. So if you go to creating live on purpose.com, you can get our free special report seven major mistakes single woman make that block them from true love and how to avoid them. And you can download that. It's an audio, it's a special report. And it goes in depth and a lot of stuff we've been talking about that dynamics of men and women. And because
we know you're busy, you might want to listen or you want to read. So you know when you can get it you get it both ways as a PDF to read about it or to listen to it. So you can listen to us discuss the seven major mistakes and how to avoid them. Right. That's the key. And we also want to invite you all to join us in our brand new Facebook group. So it's brand new, we're going to be doing a lot of new things in there. Robin, you actually really inspired us to really go. Thank you for that. And the group is common sense about love. So you can find us at Common Sense about love. It's facebook.com/groups/common sense about love or just go to the search bar. Yeah, well, we'll post it all here. Common sense that love. And so we're going to be doing some really special stuff there. So we hope you do both right? Join us in the Facebook group, come over to our website and get the seven major mistakes report because you'll be surprised we shared that one about being convenient. But I wonder how many out of the seven, you're like, whoop, I do that. If I do that. And you'll find that there's little changes that you can start making right away so that you can really like I just want to say again, like I spent so much of my life thinking there was something wrong with me or love wasn't meant to be for me. And I just want you to know like if I can change and evolve in such a way or I can end up with this amazing human being and just love going to sleep next to him every night and waking up next to him every day. If I can do it, you can do it too.
Absolutely. Oh my gosh, thank you so much for being here. It's just so lovely to see you guys and you've been such an important part of my life and my in Eric's life and it's just been a joy and you know, a man on and Matthew they have got this down. And so if you've been struggling you know finding love or having a better relationship, you know, you want to improve your relationship. They are amazing, so amazing. So stay on for a moment you guys will stop the streaming so they can live up on us a little bit more. And thank you so much everyone for being here. And I'll post their links for you right here and just sending you so much love Thank you all right